Ah… The sound of rain drops hitting against my room’s window soothes me… It’s been raining all day… All week… All month…
For a strange reason, I don’t find this saddening at all, rather, I like this… Fitting for someone like me.
I like it a lot because it helps me think, straighten out my thoughts and write them down, but that is also why I hate the rain so much.
I have all the time in the world to think and here I am actually spending that time… thinking…
Today, I find myself thinking a lot about… What bothers me, what hurts me, what irritates me, but mostly, what depresses me so much.
Rather, more than my depression, I find myself thinking more about us people who are afflicted with this sickness.
Yes, depression is not something that just comes and goes, it is a sickness, if it weren’t, I wouldn’t be so gloomy all the time, I wouldn’t have to wear this mask all the time, I wouldn’t have to fake my smiles so often.
Having been inflicted by this malady for as long as I can remember, I can vouch for those like me, how painful every day is, how long a day feels, but mostly, how disgusting our vision of the world is…
We don’t really have that much confidence in ourselves, we can hardly accept a praise. But that’s not what really ails us. If only it were for that much, it’d honestly be easy to cheer all of us up right?
No, most of us are so overwhelmed by the pain that constantly haunts us that we think about “I really, really want to die” “No more, I really can’t take this anymore”… I can’t really tell what everyone’s core reason for feeling such pain, since everyone has their own story, a story hidden behind the pages of a book that is locked by a lock that even the most talented thief wouldn’t be able to pick.
Yes, everyone has their very own reason that would start out as a simple, if not a major pain that would push them to think about taking their life. In my case… It would be lying if I were to say “No, I never think about dying, about leaving, about disappearing”. If I were to utter those words, I’d be denying the days that I’ve lived, breathed and felt up until today. Yes… Not a single day, have I not thought about dying.
I have my reasons to have toughen up and still be living today, but those reasons are still fickle, fickle but enough to make me want to see tomorrow’s light. But that isn’t the same for everyone. Sadly.
“How do I help them? How do I help the person that I hold so dear?” you ask me? If I were to ask you “What do you think you should do?”, I can already predict that you’ll say “I’ll listen to them, I’ll talk to them, I’ll give them advice, I’ll support them”, but no, that is not the right answer… For people who have been dealing with this all their life, don’t you think they’ve heard countless help tips enough already? Most of us would feel irritated at them and end up pushing you away from us. Of course, it doesn’t mean that what you might say will not help them, but if you were to give advice, choose them wisely.
“Why?” Well, because actions speak louder than words. People who call themselves friends, family, lovers, most of them would give you advice, but in the end, they won’t keep their promises. What we need, simply, is someone to stand by our side, someone to share their warmth with us, someone to spend their with us. That is all, nothing more, nothing less. Most of us are incredibly lonely and anxious people. All we need is sometime, these special yet simple words : “Hey _____, you look a quite down, I won’t pry, but if you want, want to go hang out somewhere?”
Our entourage rarely think about whether we are really happy or not. Mainly because we barely show our sadness, our depression. We hide behind our mask, and hear me out, believe me, that is it not out of mistrust or out of not being close enough. We… Don’t want to drag them into our problems, we don’t want to hurt them, we don’t want to trouble them, because we love them. Because we love them, we are afraid of end up being an annoyance and losing them.
So please, don’t take it the wrong way when we tell you “I don’t want to talk about it” “It’s nothing, really, I’m fine” or if we just keep on smiling and never tell you what’s wrong. Of course, sometimes, we will open up to certain people, but that’s because, often, we know that the person knows what we’re going through or because we mustered the courage to talk about it. For us, this is really really hard to share, since it’s like laying our hearts bare.
You must think that this sounds like we want you to guess what our problem is. Honestly, it’s a yes and no answer. Yes, because we can’t either hide it no longer and because since you’ve guessed it, it most likely means that you’ve involved and researched a lot on us in order to know what went wrong, thus, showing that you’re ready to shoulder it. And no because, like I previously mentioned, we don’t want to bother you or hurt you in the process…
This is why, most of us keep apologizing for every little things and always think that often it’s our fault. We know that it’s irrational, but we can’t help it.
Then, when you do decide to cheer us up and we take up on your offer, whether is spending time with or talking with you, we always end up saying “Thank you, I’m happy”.
Often, it’s a lie, it’s a big lie that we like to say. We… don’t want you to worry about us, we don’t want you to feel like you didn’t manage to help us, we don’t want you to feel powerless. Yet, it might be a lie, but deep down, we really do feel happy, but… Our depression is overwhelming, it still has a good grip on us, swallowing that happiness away. That’s why, we’re still depressed in the end… We’re deeply sorry…
So please, for our consideration and for our love for you, don’t feel like you’re powerless or like you didn’t manage to make us happy. You did.
I like to compare our depression to the color magenta. You see, magenta is a color that can’t be found in the visible spectrum, meaning it’s a color that we can’t normally see. It can only be seen when “created”, “made”. Like the color, our depression can’t be seen until it has been told or until we show clear signs. I keep repeating a single line from a song that I like : “Their eyes are bleeding tears of magenta”. They’re crying out, but they can’t be seen by anyone…
I think that’s it for now. I have one thing left to add, if you ever feel like one of your friends ever feel down, don’t just think about talking to them, think about keeping them company, it’ll mean the world to them.
We’re a bunch of lonely, anxious and insecure people that sees nothing but emptiness and loneliness in front of us. A bunch that yearns for that one push that will bring us out of this, that one hand that would pull us out.
Ah, I’ve written so much and this rain won’t let up… I guess I’ll just stare out the window, listen to the rain drops while watching all those people dancing and prancing outside without a coat or umbrella, like the sun was out and the rain never existed…