Amurensis Translation

Posted: 3rd February 2015 by desfel in Uncategorized
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それはあなたの涙 止める事ができずにいた夏の日の。。。


Kanji / Romaji Literal / Interpretation
この朱い雲は きっと春の終わりにも似て
幸せな思い出まで 私の中から
運ぶ夕闇が今 近づいても静かに佇む



These crimson clouds surely also resembles the end of spring
The happy memories until now stays deep within me
As the dusk approaches, I stand still quietly
Those summer days when I wasn’t able to stop your tears…

Glasses transparent to the starlit sky
Tracing the constellations with my finger
Fall disappears, taking fate laughingly

Forgetting even the clear night’s color and also yesterday
The cold winter’s sleep will show any kind of dream…

kono akai kumo wa kitto haru no owari ni mo nite
shiawase omoide made watashi no naka kara
hakobu yuuyami ga ima chikadu ite mo shizuka ni tatazumu
sore ha anata no namida
tomeru koto ga dekizu ni ita natsu no hi no…

hoshizora ni suketa GARASU
yubi de na zoru seiza wa
aki ni wa kieru sadame mo waratte uketomeru

sunda yoru no iro sae wasurete yuku no
kinou no koto sae
samui fuyu no nemuri ga
donna yume wo miseru koto ga attemo…

These crimson clouds surely means the end of Spring
The happy memories up until now will stay within me
As the dusk now approaches, I stay still quietly
Those Summer days when I wasn’t able to stop your tears…

The transparent glasses reflect the starlit sky
I traced the constellations with my fingers
Fall disappears, taking along my fate with it laughingly

Forgetting even the clear night’s color and also yesterday,
No matter what kind of dreams I will see, I will sleep like the cold Winter…


A Town of Incessant Rain

Posted: 8th July 2014 by desfel in Life and philosophy
Tags: , , ,

Ah… The sound of rain drops hitting against my room’s window soothes me… It’s been raining all day… All week… All month…
For a strange reason, I don’t find this saddening at all, rather, I like this… Fitting for someone like me.
I like it a lot because it helps me think, straighten out my thoughts and write them down, but that is also why I hate the rain so much.
I have all the time in the world to think and here I am actually spending that time… thinking…

Today, I find myself thinking a lot about… What bothers me, what hurts me, what irritates me, but mostly, what depresses me so much.
Rather, more than my depression, I find myself thinking more about us people who are afflicted with this sickness.
Yes, depression is not something that just comes and goes, it is a sickness, if it weren’t, I wouldn’t be so gloomy all the time, I wouldn’t have to wear this mask all the time, I wouldn’t have to fake my smiles so often.

Having been inflicted by this malady for as long as I can remember, I can vouch for those like me, how painful every day is, how long a day feels, but mostly, how disgusting our vision of the world is…

We don’t really have that much confidence in ourselves, we can hardly accept a praise. But that’s not what really ails us. If only it were for that much, it’d honestly be easy to cheer all of us up right?

No, most of us are so overwhelmed by the pain that constantly haunts us that we think about “I really, really want to die” “No more, I really can’t take this anymore”… I can’t really tell what everyone’s core reason for feeling such pain, since everyone has their own story, a story hidden behind the pages of a book that is locked by a lock that even the most talented thief wouldn’t be able to pick.

Yes, everyone has their very own reason that would start out as a simple, if not a major pain that would push them to think about taking their life. In my case… It would be lying if I were to say “No, I never think about dying, about leaving, about disappearing”. If I were to utter those words, I’d be denying the days that I’ve lived, breathed and felt up until today. Yes… Not a single day, have I not thought about dying.

I have my reasons to have toughen up and still be living today, but those reasons are still fickle, fickle but enough to make me want to see tomorrow’s light. But that isn’t the same for everyone. Sadly.

“How do I help them? How do I help the person that I hold so dear?” you ask me? If I were to ask you “What do you think you should do?”, I can already predict that you’ll say “I’ll listen to them, I’ll talk to them, I’ll give them advice, I’ll support them”, but no, that is not the right answer… For people who have been dealing with this all their life, don’t you think they’ve heard countless help tips enough already? Most of us would feel irritated at them and end up pushing you away from us. Of course, it doesn’t mean that what you might say will not help them, but if you were to give advice, choose them wisely.

“Why?” Well, because actions speak louder than words. People who call themselves friends, family, lovers, most of them would give you advice, but in the end, they won’t keep their promises. What we need, simply, is someone to stand by our side, someone to share their warmth with us, someone to spend their with us. That is all, nothing more, nothing less. Most of us are incredibly lonely and anxious people. All we need is sometime, these special yet simple words : “Hey _____, you look a quite down, I won’t pry, but if you want, want to go hang out somewhere?”

Our entourage rarely think about whether we are really happy or not. Mainly because we barely show our sadness, our depression. We hide behind our mask, and hear me out, believe me, that is it not out of mistrust or out of not being close enough. We… Don’t want to drag them into our problems, we don’t want to hurt them, we don’t want to trouble them, because we love them. Because we love them, we are afraid of end up being an annoyance and losing them.

So please, don’t take it the wrong way when we tell you “I don’t want to talk about it” “It’s nothing, really, I’m fine” or if we just keep on smiling and never tell you what’s wrong. Of course, sometimes, we will open up to certain people, but that’s because, often, we know that the person knows what we’re going through or because we mustered the courage to talk about it. For us, this is really really hard to share, since it’s like laying our hearts bare.

You must think that this sounds like we want you to guess what our problem is. Honestly, it’s a yes and no answer. Yes, because we can’t either hide it no longer and because since you’ve guessed it, it most likely means that you’ve involved and researched a lot on us in order to know what went wrong, thus, showing that you’re ready to shoulder it. And no because, like I previously mentioned, we don’t want to bother you or hurt you in the process…

This is why, most of us keep apologizing for every little things and always think that often it’s our fault. We know that it’s irrational, but we can’t help it.

Then, when you do decide to cheer us up and we take up on your offer, whether is spending time with or talking with you, we always end up saying “Thank you, I’m happy”.

Often, it’s a lie, it’s a big lie that we like to say. We… don’t want you to worry about us, we don’t want you to feel like you didn’t manage to help us, we don’t want you to feel powerless. Yet, it might be a lie, but deep down, we really do feel happy, but… Our depression is overwhelming, it still has a good grip on us, swallowing that happiness away. That’s why, we’re still depressed in the end… We’re deeply sorry…

So please, for our consideration and for our love for you, don’t feel like you’re powerless or like you didn’t manage to make us happy. You did.

I like to compare our depression to the color magenta. You see, magenta is a color that can’t be found in the visible spectrum, meaning it’s a color that we can’t normally see. It can only be seen when “created”, “made”. Like the color, our depression can’t be seen until it has been told or until we show clear signs. I keep repeating a single line from a song that I like : “Their eyes are bleeding tears of magenta”. They’re crying out, but they can’t be seen by anyone…

I think that’s it for now. I have one thing left to add, if you ever feel like one of your friends ever feel down, don’t just think about talking to them, think about keeping them company, it’ll mean the world to them.

We’re a bunch of lonely, anxious and insecure people that sees nothing but emptiness and loneliness in front of us. A bunch that yearns for that one push that will bring us out of this, that one hand that would pull us out.

Ah, I’ve written so much and this rain won’t let up… I guess I’ll just stare out the window, listen to the rain drops while watching all those people dancing and prancing outside without a coat or umbrella, like the sun was out and the rain never existed…

Thank you... I love you.

Thank you… I love you.

Hello Yuu-kun,

It has been a while hasn’t it? You must be wondering “Why a letter from her now of all times?”… Well, you’ll figure it out in a bit! I told auntie and uncle to give you this letter once you’ll come back home… If not, then you’ll probably never be reading this… I wonder how many years it’d take before you get to read this… One? Two? Probably even more…

But since you are reading it right now, it means you came back like I thought you would right? I believed that you would come back, I wouldn’t be writting this letter right now if I thought otherwise, we’re childhood friends afterall!

I would like to say, first and foremost : Welcome home… Yuu-kun.

I would have loved to be able to welcome you home with a huge smile, but I can’t, so you’ll have to make do with this letter! You always wanted to study overseas, I hope it was fruitful!

I digress too much… I… It’s just too hard for me to write what I really want to write… The things that I couldn’t tell you in person… But I have to, since by the time you’ll be reading this, I won’t be able to tell you…

I… Would like to thank you for putting with me and staying by my side… Especially with such a troublesome person like me… Even though you said that it didn’t bother one bit and that you were happy to be able to take care of me… I caused you so many griefs and worries with this weak and frail body of mine… But… Thank you so much…

I still cherish and remember clearly every memories that we made since we were little… I still remember, when we were six, you threw yourself into a pond to retrieve my four-leaf clover that the wind blew away from my hand. It was really unnecessary of you and you even got scolded by your parents because of it… But it made me really happy.

When we were twelve, when I got sick, you’d always come over my house to look after me so I would get better as soon as possible and so I wouldn’t feel lonely.

At sixteen, we went on our first date… Well, it was just us going shopping for a gift for my parents’ anniversary, but… I enjoyed it like it was a date… It made me really happy when you took my hand and ran away from the jerks that tried to flirt with me.

At seventeen, when my parents died… When I couldn’t even smile anymore, when I felt like I lost everything and when I felt like joining them, you scolded me, held me in your arms and told me that I didn’t lose everything, that I still had you… That we were a family, even with only the two of us… You know? It felt like a proposal… I cried a lot but I also managed to smile once more thanks to you… It was the first time I cried so much in front of someone else… I’m glad that it was you. Since that day, we started dating.

Soon after I turned eighteen… My body grew weaker and I had to stay at the hospital, it made you worry of course and just like back when we were kids, you’d spend every possible moment visiting me. Thanks to you, I didn’t feel one bit lonely and I was looking forward to that moment when you’d walk through the door, greet me with a smile and ask me if I was doing better.

And then, visiting hours wasn’t enough for you, so you actually found a way to make yourself really sick and get the permission to stay in the same room as me… You’re the biggest idiot that I’ve ever known, who’d ever think of doing something like that?! I don’t need to yell at you again don’t I? Nonetheless, you brought me so much joy and my nights were less boring with you right besides me. For three long yet short years, you’ve spent every possible moment by my side…

I remember everything, the sad and happy memories, the warm and painful moments, the fights that we had, the laughs that we shared… Every single one of them are my most precious treasures… Even the little things that most people thought were insignificant…

I don’t want to leave you… I want to get married and have children with you… I want to grow old with you… Old enough to see our children grow and get married… I want to share more laughs and smiles with you… I want us to bicker and tease each other a lot more longer… I want to be with you for so much more longer… But I can’t…

But… I don’t regret anything… You gave me so many wonderful memories and happiness that could last for a lifetime.

I am thankful to have met you.
Thank you for giving me so many wonderul memories.
Thank you for all the laughters, warmth and smiles.
Thank you for staying right beside me.
Thank you for taking care of me.
Thank you for loving me.
But more importantly… Thank you for letting me be your little Chi-chan…

I really hope that, when it’ll be time for me to leave… Even though, you’ll definitely be crying, that you’d be able to send me off with a smile… I really hope that you’d let me see that smile that had chased away my sorrow countless of times one last time…

Even though I won’t be able to reach you anymore… I’ll always watch over you… I’ll always stay by your side… Like you’ve always did for me…

Please, promise me that you’ll cherish everyday that you’ll spend and keep on smiling, like when you spent them with me… Make me proud and happy.

I’ll miss you dearly and I’ll never forget you, no matter where I’ll end up…

Farewell, I love you,
Your Chi-chan