Tonight I felt like I was fading away, even the piercing cold could not reach my inner existence.
I was standing on the top of the hill, I didn’t ever bother to sit down but I was still looking up at the fluffy darkened clouds, I’m pretty sure they weren’t really that dark, but light refused to tell me truth for now. I think I stood there alone for hours, she wasn’t going to come tonight, I already knew that, I wasn’t probably waiting for her then. Why am I here? I just realized for the first time of my life that I don’t have anything to talk about with myself, it might be because I’m not usually the one who engages conversations or maybe because I can’t think of something that would interest me that I’m not already thinking about. I felt that this was a bit too much complicated but in relief I thought that it was probably the only way I could talk to myself, trying to explain things to myself that I didn’t understand, it sounds strange but if I could put it in other words, it’s a bit like being cloned and then trying to speak with him. What would you talk about? It’s the exact same person as you, has the same memories, feelings and knowledge as you, don’t go thinking that you can use what you know to keep a decent conversation with your clone, you will have to make an effort and go further.
I wonder if that would have worked with my clone, probably not, he would have thought the same thing. I pulled my hair a little bit as I was trying to figure things that didn’t really made sense. Why wasn’t she coming tonight, and why did I just said I knew it? She was probably feeling awkward, she’s probably afraid of what I’m thinking about it, I don’t know how I should react to it, should I even choose a reaction? If I look too much concerned she will feel bad about telling me but if I never bring it back again she might think I don’t even care. I finally decided to sit down to calm down a bit, I was trying to guess how she would want me to react, that was a bit weird and I’m certain that she would want me to react as I would normally react, but I never reacted to something like this so I can only be confused about it.
And yet, that’s exactly how I was reacting to it. I was confused and lost. But I didn’t have any reason to do so, I think it’s the lack of having a reason that led me to this state. Alone in this sea of stars, I felt like driftwood, I fell from my tree, from my protection but still I was thinking on how to protect others, was it altruism or foolishness? I jumped on my feet and started to go down the hill, the sound of the wind was boring and the black clouds covered the most part of the sky. I wanted to go visit her at her home but I didn’t even know where she lived, I only wanted to tell her that I understood her problems but as ironic as it can sound, it shouldn’t be a stick in her wheels, she should forget her illness and enjoy life to it’s fullest, even if at least one of them is impossible.
I know that I’m not the one targeted by this, but I find it strange that people start to really want to enjoy life once they realize they’re gonna die soon. Is life more enjoyable when it’s being taken away? I know for a fact that you realize how much you miss the things you lose only after they’re lost, like someone you know or some item that you use, it can even be snow! I’m not sure if it works in this scenario since people who are going to die didn’t get their life taken away yet but they might be missing their freedom of life, after all when you know you’ll die soon, you’re restricted on what you’re doing. The freedom of life, taken away by death, that would make an horrible novel name, I hope I never become a writer, I don’t think I would ever be able to put my thoughts to words and even if I could, nobody would want to read them since I would write as if I was talking to my clone, trying to explain things I didn’t understand, that would be a pointless book.
As I went down the hill, I wondered if it was possible to find answers yourself to questions that you don’t understand, I guess it’s not impossible but finding those answers sure a great fulfillment of oneself. Climbing a mountain was child play compared to this.